Ideas are my love language

Ideas are my Love Language.

When I say exchanging ideas is my love language, I mean it:

It’s how I feel closest to people. And when that doesn’t happen…it’s like a door quietly shutting between us.

Exchanging ideas is more than just wanting quality conversation; it’s about craving connection that goes deeper than a typical social interaction.

It might have to do with giftedness. I have a diagnosed need for complexity.
And an intensity I can’t turn off.

(sounds super fun, right?!)

That complexity extends to seeing ideas as puzzles or riddles, where other people all have a piece of the solution. What I already know isn’t enough… I want to find out what other people know. It’s a way for my mind to play. I feel a thrill when we’re building meaning together, or peeling back layers in a conversation.

Exchanging ideas is my love language. I feel really unseen when that isn’t acknowledged.

There’s this part of me that feels most vibrant when I’m engaging with the sort of intellectual complexity that only idea-sharing can bring. I’m lucky enough to have a half a dozen or so close friends that feel similarly.

But it can still feel super isolating at times to need this kind of connection; it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, and I know it can take a lot of energy, even for the people who do enjoy it.

Because it’s how I feel closest to people, I wish I could talk with ALL my friends and family in this way

And it makes me sad to realize there are people in my life—friends and family—who I can’t remember the last time they asked what I was up to and seemed genuinely curious about it. Or even just asked a question or two when I brought something up.

It’s a bit hard for me to wrap my head around at times – there are people I know who also have “Quality Time” as their top love language (an idea I shared and wanted to have a conversation around ).

But they’re largely not interested in talking about *ideas* like I am.

Wanna talk about football? Cool.

I’m down to hear your recap of how the ref screwed “your” team over with bad calls, but can we also:

🏈 debate the benefits of different defensive coverages,
🏈 discuss the economic impact of the NFL, or
🏈 get into concussion science?

No? I'm being weird?

I'm too much?

Le sigh.

This loneliness is something I felt in my heart for probably most of my life. For me, exchanging ideas isn’t just about sharing information; it’s a way of sharing parts of myself that feel most alive. It’s like letting someone into more intimate corners of my mind.

It’s hard to describe, but I’ll try:

I can see the “shape” of how ideas are structured. As I get to know someone, I see more of their shapes, and that collection of shapes is unique to them. (unlike a fingerprint, I hope that shape continues to change over the course of their life, but that’s a conversation for another day!)

I’m always looking for people who want to discuss the ideas and concepts that make my brain feel the equivalent of metaphorically sparkly and warm.

I love people who want to explore the shapes from my brain, and share their shapes with me. Like a brain cuddle? Idk.

Step into my brain for a moment (don’t mind the mess!), and pretend that sharing ideas are how you feel loved. (This might already be true for you.)

Now imagine you’re constantly trying to engage in this way—you’re bubbling over with something you’ve been bursting to talk about—a new perspective from a book you read, an insight you had in the shower.

And you get a fake smile or a quick “Oh, that’s nice.” And that’s it.

A moment that could have brought you closer slips away. Does that not feel like a teeny slice of heartbreak pie?

It’s hard not to feel a bit hollow when I bring my full intensity to a conversation only to be met with a polite nod and ‘I haven’t really thought about that.’

I think this is why I love facilitating:

When I share with people I care about and get no questions, or am told I “think too much,” or get brushed off with bare minimum responses (to seem polite?)—that shit hurts.

It feels like I’m baring my heart, because for me, the mental exchange – being in relationship around an idea – usually matters to me more than whatever the idea happens to be.

Someone disagreeing with me (respectfully—keep it cute) is often 100x better than feeling like I’m speaking into a void.

I want you to hear what I have to say. Really hear me.

But I also want to hear what you have to say.

Not just so I can have another turn of talking, or have another chance to try to persuade you. I don’t think I actually care about being right at all. I actually love when people change my mind.

For me, it’s about more than conversation—it’s about exploration, challenge, discovery, and transformation.

I want to hear what you have to say…and it’s a delight when I’m surprised by something I hadn’t considered.

Isn’t there a thrill in weaving together thoughts that neither of us would’ve found alone? I definitely think there’s something about us collectively getting closer to truth, or expanding our understanding of each other, or having fun exploring the topic, weaving in more perspectives, discovering inaccuracies, dropping what isn’t useful or true.

When people either don’t know this about me—or know but don’t act on it, it puts a strain on our relationship. Exchanging ideas is a big part of what helps me feel close to people, and it’s why I can feel closer to someone I’ve known for a few days than I do to people I’ve known for years and only had shallow conversations with.

I share this all with you for a variety of reasons:

1

Clarity

So that you might understand how to be a friend to me, and how important and central this is to who I am as a person.

2

Catharsis

to get it ouuuuut. And so that someone else might read words that express how they feel, and have some relief too.

3

Connection

So that you might finally feel full and unabashed permission to reach out to me to exchange thoughts

Sidenote:

Voice notes are great! I have a preference for the initial one being in the under 5 min range so I don’t get overwhelmed and can formulate a coherent response.

Sharing videos and memes is cool too, but I’d love a sentence or two of context about what you think or feel about it. My brain typically goes through multiple reactions almost simultaneously, so you sharing your context helps me narrow down a direction.

For people who aren’t really into brain cuddles—I’m curious to know…what makes you feel most connected to folks?

And people who feel similarly to me in this regard—what types of ideas do you most often find yourself wanting to discuss? And/or how do you navigate getting this need met for yourself?

If brain cuddles are your thing too, reach out! And if not, I’d still love to hear what makes you feel connected— one of my favourite ideas to explore is how we can all get our needs met.